


you can hear it in the silence

by IWasMeantToFeel



Category: Humans (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-30
Updated: 2015-07-30
Packaged: 2018-04-12 02:12:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4461368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWasMeantToFeel/pseuds/IWasMeantToFeel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niska can't stop overthinking things and, feeling lonely and scared in the middle of the night, she turns to Mattie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can hear it in the silence

**Author's Note:**

> [A/N] This is set at the time when the synth fam (eg. Niska, Mia, Leo, Fred, Max) are staying with the Hawkins (S1E7) I seriously ship Mattie and Niska ;) This is my first fanfic ever so constructive criticism only pls. 
> 
> WARNING:  
> There are mentions of rape and murder - writing about this was pretty unavoidable in the context, so if this is triggering for you 1) I'm really sorry :( and 2) You should either skip that bit or just not read this. It's nothing major though.
> 
> ALSO:  
> I haven't got an editor so all mistakes are my own and I'm sorry if you spot any first person in there, I'm always accidentally going into it when I write in the present tense :')
> 
> • I don't own Humans, but if I did Miska would be canon and Joe would probably be in Australia by now... •

Niska is settling in. Mattie can see it. She sits on the sofa in the living room and watches her play with Sophie in the intense, invested way she herself could never quite manage. She watches the childish look of delight that is steadily becoming more and more a part of Niska's face, and wonders what horrors she could possibly have been through to make her hide it for so long. Because it's beautiful. It's beautiful to watch that slow, radiant smile and the twinkling of her eyes, and Mattie finds herself sitting there all afternoon, quietly watching.

When the Hawkins eat dinner the synths - Mattie doesn't want to call them that, even in her own head, but she can't think of another way to refer to them - sit with them. The air is tense for all number of reasons, but Mattie can sense a general underlying feeling of calm... of family. She sticks around even after she's finished eating to bask in it. On a normal day in the Hawkins household she would retreat to her room straight after finishing her final mouthful, unable to stand spending so long with her parents... But now she savours the time instead. Who knows how long the synths will be able to safely stay here. She finds herself not wanting to waste a moment of their company. Toby and Fred are talking about football, Mia and Leo and Mum are discussing something quietly, and Sophie was put to bed long ago... and Mattie feels her eyes being drawn to Niska's. Sure enough the blonde is looking straight at her, something unreadable in her eyes. Heart beating a little faster so some reason that she can't quite explain, Mattie offers her a half smile, and Niska hesitantly quirks her lips up in return. They hold each other's gaze across the table, not saying anything, barely breathing. Mattie blinks, and then wishes she hadn't, because Niska tears her eyes away as if she's be burned and taps Mia's shoulder beside her to say something. Mattie looks away, and kicks herself for breaking their mini staring contest. She feels like it meant something to Niska. Maybe it meant something to her, too. 

It's late - almost eleven - when Mattie finally shuts the door to her bedroom and turns out the main light. The synths are charging and watching over Max downstairs, and the house is quiet. She pulls off her clothes and gets into her pyjamas, suddenly desperately tired. It's been a long day. That's why, when she's pulling back the covers to get into bed, she dismisses the knock she's just heard as her exhausted brain playing tricks on her. But then she hears it again. Her mum wouldn't knock like that, not so softly and so nervously. She pads across the room and opens the door carefully, pushing her loose hair back from her face. To her surprise, it's Niska, standing on the dark landing with her arms wrapped around herself. They stare at each other for a second, neither one of them willing to speak first.

"I'm sorry," Niska murmurs eventually, and Mattie realises it's the first time she's directly spoken to her. "I don't want to disturb you."

Mattie frowns at how fragile she sounds, how quiet her voice is compared to when she's speaking to anyone else. She looks like a small child who's had a nightmare, and Mattie's about to ask her if she can't sleep, when she realises that synths don't sleep anyway. She opts for a hushed, "Are you okay?" and Niska seems to melt. Her bottom lip quivers, and there's a sinking feeling in Mattie's stomach, because she does not look okay. 

"I'm sorry," she repeats, and it's strange, because she didn't look like the kind of person who would apologise for themselves.

"Stop saying that," Mattie murmurs. "What's wrong?" She reaches out to touch her arm in a comforting gesture, and Niska shudders. Mattie doesn't know what that means.

"I just... felt really... alone. I didn't know where to go, so I came here." Niska's eyes travel over Mattie's shoulder into her room, dimly lit in warm light. She looks wishful, and Mattie knows what to do then.

"Come in. We can talk." She reaches out again and guides her into the room, and shuts the door behind them. The blonde stands in the doorway, her wide eyes travelling around the room, drinking it in, and Mattie suddenly sees it through her eyes. It looks inviting, safe. 

"Sit down," she says, gesturing to the bed, and Niska lowers herself onto it as if she's trying not to disturb anything. "It's okay. Make yourself comfortable."

Niska just stiffens, and Mattie can't comfort someone who's sitting so upright on her bed like an awkward guest who doesn't know what to do with themselves, so she pulls back the covers and gestures to the bed. Niska looks utterly bemused, so Mattie slides underneath the duvet herself and then hold the covers open. The look of gratitude that flickers across the synth's eyes for a second makes Mattie's entire existence feel worthwhile. The blonde slips her shoes off and tentatively wriggles under the duvet. She lies on her back, her chest rising and falling so regularly that it seems like she's concentrating on every breath.

"May I turn the light off?" Niska finally says. "I feel..." She doesn't say what she feels, and Mattie doesn't follow up on it. 

"Of course," she replies easily, and soon the room is in complete darkness. She can't see anything while her eyes adjust, and that's why she's so shocked when she feels a warm body curl around her. Suddenly everything around her is Niska, and she's acutely aware of the blonde's arm around her back, and the way their bodies are pressed together, and how there's soft hair against her cheek and a nose burrowed into that sensitive place on her neck that can make her shiver. She's pretty sure she can feel lips on her bare shoulder. She doesn't dare to breathe. They stay like that for what feels like the longest time, and then Niska withdraws a little, but doesn't remove her hand from Mattie's waist.

"I'm sorr-"

"Shut up," Mattie cuts in, and for a moment she curses herself for being so aggressive, but she couldn't bear to hear the girl apologising for doing nothing wrong yet again. She's flooded with relief when she hears Niska giggle.

"Sorry," she says, and suddenly they're both laughing softly in the dark.

Mattie's eyes adjust and she can see Niska's face again, and she has a rush of bravery. She brings her hand up to hold her cheek, gently stroking along the blonde's jaw with one finger in what she hopes is a soothing way. Niska hums, and her eyes flutter closed.

"Tell me what's wrong," she whispers. "I won't judge, God knows I've felt a lot of feelings in my time and I'll probably understand."

"You won't," Niska whispers nervously.

"I'll try."

There's the longest silence.

"I don't want you to hate me," Niska says in a small voice. "I mean, I don't really care if anyone else hates me. I don't give a shit actually. But you... You're the only human who's ever looked at me like you do... the only one who's cared about how I feel. I've haven't felt so safe and so cared for in years and you can't promise that if I tell you this you'll still look at me the same way and I -"

"Slow down," Mattie tells her, pulling her closer. It feels weird, because it's so unusual for her to initiate contact and she's not used to it, but something tells her it's what she needs right now. "I'm not a judgmental person. If I've decided I like someone it's going to take a lot of effort to convince me I don't."

"Really?"

"Really. You could even tell me you're a serial killer and I wouldn't run. I don't think." Mattie laughs, but Niska's stiffened in her arms and she won't look at her.  
"Niska?" Mattie whisper, her name rolling off her tongue so easily she feels like she's been saying it for years. "Niska, what is it?"

"I am," she says.

"You are what?" She tries to get Niska to look her in the eye, but the blonde resists her. 

"A serial killer," she chokes out. Her breathing quickens and she's moving away from the brunette, and Mattie knows that her reaction is all that matters to the synth right now. So even though her mind is spinning and she's a little frightened, she breathes out and pushes it aside, trying not to let her shock show on her face.

"Okay," she says calmly.

"What?" Niska demands, thinking she's misheard. 

"I said okay. If you are a serial killer, that's fine by me. Because even though I've only just met you I think I know a bit about you and I know you wouldn't hurt anyone without a reason. So tell me why."

"Why I killed them?"

"Yeah." The human pulls Niska against her chest, tucks her head under her chin and strokes her hair, waiting for her to speak, because this girl is her age and in any other universe (in which she wasn't a robot) she would probably be her best friend already, and her best friends don't need to ask for her forgiveness.

So Niska takes a shaky breath and begins. "The first man I killed was trying to rape me. I was at a pub with Leo, pretending to be his synth, and some guys decided that he was going to pin me against a wall and... you know. That didn't end well for him."

She's trying to keep her tone light, almost factual, but Mattie can see through it. She rubs circles on the girl's back, as though she's trying to rub away the memories. Niska continues.

"The second man was in the brothel where I used to live. Leo made me work there. He didn't know how to keep me safe otherwise. Every hour of every day some new guy would turn up and I'd have to play my part - the part of the dolly who couldn't think, couldn't feel, couldn't do anything but spout lines and be there so they could stick their dick in me. Leo told me to turn off my pain so I wouldn't feel it, but I didn't. Because that would take me one step closer to being one of them. And I'm not."  
Mattie nods encouragingly, although a large part of her screams that she doesn't want to know this, doesn't even want to think about what pain Niska must have been through.

"At first I thought the guy nervous. I felt sorry for him. He was old, and I thought that maybe he was lonely, or his wife had died, or something like that. Then he told me that he wanted me to pretend to be a scared child. He wanted me to be a child so that he could play out his sick little fantasies. And I wasn't going to do that. He tried to hurt me so I hurt him back. I killed him." There's no trace of remorse in her voice, but no satisfaction either. She's emotionless. "The other guys were in a smash club. They were smashing up the synths like they were... I don't know, tin cans or something. It was endless, it was mindless. It was one after the other and they wouldn't stop. So I... I decided to give them a taste of their own medicine. Then I almost killed a man because I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend, but he wasn't. I was wrong." 

There's a pregnant pause while Mattie takes it all in, and this scares Niska.

"I understand if you want to throw me out of your house. I understand if you never want to see my face again. I just needed someone to know all that."

This brings Mattie back to her senses and she holds Niska tighter, as if begging her not to leave.

"I'm not going to throw you out."

"You're not?"

"No. Do you know why?"

"Tell me."

"Okay, well I'm not saying it's alright to kill people. It's really not. But those men... They were all really bad people. You didn't kill them for no reason. You killed them because they were going to hurt you, or others. I'm not condoning it - I'm just saying, you probably saved more lives that you destroyed."

"Is that really how you see it?" Niska questions, hopeful light in her eyes.

"It is. Just don't do it again. It won't help this whole hiding thing."

"I've probably wrecked that already," Niska says forlornly. "Everybody's looking for me."

"It was going to happen at some point," Mattie tells her.

"You have no idea how much better you've made me feel." Niska snuggles into her, and Mattie noticed how there's no traces of either of the personalities she's met before. She's not strong and angry and protective, and she's not scared and lonely. She's just Niska, finally free of her burdens. Relaxed.

Niska sighs. "It's nearly 2AM. You should probably sleep."

"I probably should," the brunette smiles. 

"Thank you so much," Niska manages to say, not accustomed to thanking people. "For everything. I mean, for letting me keep you awake for hours and unburden myself onto you, and for holding me, and for being there. It means a lot."

"You don't have to tell me that. I'm glad we did this. I was feeling kind of lonely too. And now I'm not."

"You're welcome," Niska laughs, and Mattie thinks it's probably the most beautiful sound on earth. She thinks she could get used to this - Niska being in her arms. But then the synth begins to sit up, with a sad sigh.

"Hang on, where are you going?" Mattie protests.

Niska looks confused. "I was going to go back downstairs... I mean, I didn't know if you..."

"Stay," Mattie murmurs.

"Really?"

"Yeah," she laughs, pulling her back in the bed and into her arms. "Really." She gently kisses Niska's forehead as the blonde nestles back into her favourite place in the crook of her neck and breathes out a contented sigh.

"Sweet dreams, Niska."

"Goodnight Mattie."

**Author's Note:**

> You thought I was done with my long ass author's note, didn't you? Ha, you thought wrong :P  
> Basically I want you to leave a review/comment if you want this to be a multi chapter fic! I think it ends pretty well here, but it could also continue nicely as there isn't really a fixed ending to this chapter. I really don't mind either way, so it's up to you ;) But if I end it here I'll totally write some Miska AUs and other fics...


End file.
